-
A River In Egypt
It may not be easy to admit to yourself and others that you are/might be gay, but denial is
definitely not the easy option. I'm a 21yr old single lesbian with a 4 yr old daughter and I
know something about what denial can do and how people can get hurt...
I didnt think i might be gay (although in retrospect there were numerous clues) till I had just
turned 15. My best friend at the time and I were very close, I had known her for about a year
and we were so in tune with each other it was all very heavenly creatures.We grew closer still,
and one night when she was staying over (saturday 9th dec '95 to be precise) friends became
lovers. When I tried to talk to her about it (mon,at school) she wouldnt talk to me.this was
the shape of things to come. We were lovers on and off for 2 years. She couldnt deal with it.
She seduced my now best friend's boyfriend at the time in a bid to prove her heterosexuality
one night, needless to say this hurt me and the young woman whose boyfriend he was, a great deal,
she was doubly betrayed, by her boyfriend and someone she thought was a friend.
Despite all of this I loved her. It looked like she was going to deal with it for a while when
we turned 16, but then we had the big break-up and weren't speaking at all. She went out with
some guy, I was devastated and not really sure about my own sexuality at the time, so I decided
to go out with a male friend, partly to get over her and partly to make her jealous.That has to
be the cruellest thing I have ever done to anyone, especially a friend. I rapidly realised that
the relationship wasn't what I wanted,but I stayed. A month into the relationship I fell pregnant.
(first time we slept together,split condom, failed morning after pill.) I decided to keep the
child and tried to bury my feelings and stay with him. 5 months down the line I had to break his
heart and tell him why. I couldn't continue the lie, I was treating him horribly and permanently
avoiding him. He was very upset and pretty mad too.
I ended up in bed with my former girlfriend shortly after. Her boyfriend became suspicious, got
really mad, but she assured him he was imagining things.
The birth of my daughter made me really start sorting my life out.I came out,to self and friends,
and after finding myself naked in ex girls flat once again I realised that my daughter deserved
a mum who wasn't an emotional mess. My ex was still living in narnia,and it was screwing me up,
so I resolved to keep her at a distance, and I'm very proud to say I did.
Denial doesnt help anything. My life was a complete mess. I love my daughter and would never
want to be without her but Im deeply sorry for what I put her father through. Wer'e friends now
though. As for the girl, she's now living with her girlfriend, they had a blessing last year.I'm
out to everyone now, and so much happier and more relaxed. People get over it, and if they dont,
theyre not worth your tears.
Name A River In Egypt Date 9th July 2002
-
Taking The Plunge
I wrote 'A River in Egypt' on this site quite some time ago. I just thought I would return to fill in the next chapter if you will.
I met a pretty amazing woman about a year ago. We met online, then met up at Pride '03 in Edinburgh. We became very good friends. Best friends really. When I met her, she was still in the closet and had been for a long time. She was really worried her family wouldn't want to speak to her again if they knew. She had been through alot. Her much beloved Grandmother had died in horrific circumstances, (due to the lack of care and attention at the nursing home she was residing at, she got into a bath of near boiling water and suffered third degree burns from the neck down.). Her parents had recently divorced, and she didn't think they could cope with her sexuality on top of everything else. She had been so scared of people finding out, she had essentially shut herself in her room for years. She had moved from Dunfermline to Edinburgh to get away from her family and give herself some freedom.
As it turned out, however, when she summoned up the courage to tell them, they didn't disown her. Her mother was positively elated and itching to come along to all the gay pubs and clubs. Her father wasn't ecstatic, possibly kind of hoping it was a phase, but he wasn't majorly upset about it. Her sister didn't seem to mind either.
She found me attractive when we first met, but I wasn't interested. Despite her being an attractive young woman, I found her quite timid and rather shy at times, which isn't at all what I look for. Also she hadn't come out, had never had a girlfriend... I wanted someone who knew what they wanted, wasn't in the closet etc. Despite this, we still became very close friends.
Six months down the line, things changed a little. She had come out of her shell alot,and we knew each other better. I found myself looking at her in ways one should not be looking at one's best mate... However, like I said, she's an attractive young woman, so I more or less ignored it.
One day we had been out all day together, having a laugh. I'd watched her play football, we'd gone to the pub. It had been a really good day. She drove me home at night, I gave her a hug as usual, but when I drew away from her and we were face to face, I felt an overwhelming urge to kiss her. A voice in my head yelled "what the hell are you doing??" I snapped out of it, started babbling rubbish, got out of the car very quickly and scuttled off into the house where I promptly called my best gay male friend and had a mini crisis. He came over, he thought someone had died when I first called him! I was really scared of doing something stupid and losing her, because she meant so much to me. I wasn't sure how she felt anymore because it had been such a long time. I didn't want to lose one of the best friends I had ever had. My mate said to me that if I didn't say anything about it, she and I could still be great friends 10 years down the line, but if I still felt this way, would it be enough? I conceded that he had a point as he often does.
After some consideration, I decided to meet her for lunch in a favourite restaurant in Edinburgh, see how I felt upon seeing her again, and when I was going home, I would say something about it if I felt as strongly as I had on our last meeting.
Well we had a pleasant lunch, I felt more than ever that I wanted her to be more than a friend. We went back to her flat and messed around on the playstation for a bit. We didn't realise how late it had gotten.She offered to give me a lift because it was too late for public transport, but she would have to stay over because it would be really late by the time she returned to Edinburgh and she had to work the next day. I said that would be fine, inside I was thinking that things really weren't going according to plan.
We got back to mine and were awake half the night giggling and chatting about everything and nothing. We shared a bed because I didn't have a spare. When the conversation had fallen silent, I lay awake with her next to me, itching to say something, but thinking it would be a really bad plan to tell her in the middle of the night while she was in my bed, especially if she no longer thought of me as anything other than a friend. I felt however, that if I didn't say something at that moment, I would never say anything. I blurted out into the dark, silent room,
"I almost kissed you on Sunday." The conversation continued with
"What?"
"You heard me."
"No I didn't, what did you say?"
"I said I almost kissed you on Sunday."
"When?"
"In the car, when we were saying goodbye"
"Why?"
"Because... I wanted to"
"Oh."
"Is that a good 'Oh' or a bad 'Oh' ?"
"it's a good 'oh' "
I breathed a large sigh of relief and held her close. Long overdue kisses were interjected with questions like "Whaddya mean 'why', what kinda question is that to ask somebody?"
That was six months ago last week. We've been together ever since. She moved in after 3wks, we can seldom bear to be apart from one another. She took me to London to see Madonna in concert last weekend in honour of our 6month anniversary. I've wanted to see Madonna live since I was about 5 years old. It was a dream come true. She's a dream come true, and I've never been happier.
Name A River In Egypt Date 27th August 2004
-
I am in a relationship with a divorced women with children living at home with her. We are happy for the majority of the time but just occasionally I would like to feel really special to her. I know the children will always come first but I would like her to consider us as a couple sometimes and make some time for us. I am not sure how to say this to her without upsetting her.
-
I am in a relationship with a divorced women with grown up 'children' not living with her. One is married the other has her own flat. Whenever there is a problem with either of the 'children' they run to mum to sort it out. We are happy for the majority of the time but just occasionally I would like to feel really special to her. It seems that it is time for the 'children' to stand on there own. I know the children will always come first but I would like her to consider us as a couple. I would like her to stop canceeling our plans whenever they call for help. How do I say this tactfully?
ANSWER
Why not just say it. She may not be aware of how you feel. Obviously she will always be their mother but for her to have happiness and a relationship she must decide what is right for her. She will need to consider your feelings and how much she wants the relationship to work. From my experience my partner chose the children and home life deciding that her time would come when they left home. As a result we split up and she stayed with her husband. I believed that this was THE partner for me and she had said many times that she had never felt this way before and had never believed that she would.
Date 4th June 2002
| MY EXPERIENCE IN AN ABUSIVE GAY RELATIONSHIP
|
BACK
TO TOP |
-
I had been in a gay relationship which ended after 12 years. I had been on my own for nine months when I met a woman in a gay club. She was full of life and fun to be with. Deep down I felt the reltionship was not right for me but believed that this was my last chance for a relationship as I was now over 40!! I was made redundant about one month after we got together and she was not at all supportive.
About two months into the relationship after we had been out for the evening and she found out that her ex partner was seeing someone else she beat me up. The next day she was very sorry and said it would never happen again. We had a long talk and it came out that she had had an uphappy childhood and was very insecure. I decided to give her another chance.
She wanted to own her own business and so I agreed that I would sell my house and buy a business for us to run which would also be our home. After a lot of searching we found the business and eventually bought it. Whilst we were searching for the business things would become tense and she would beat me up and then be very apologetic. I kept thinking it was my fault that it happened. After one very severe beating I ended up in hospital where I was confined to bed for 4 days and had to have a brain scan.
The business required both of us to be involved to make it work, due to its size. After a month her input became less and less. She always had something more important to do. I took on more and more and then she would complain that I was never there for her. After six months in the business she left. As the business was in my name with all of my capital tied up in it I tried to employ staff to help me run it. As time went on I was doing longer and longer hours. The bank eventually called in the Official Receiver and I made myself bankrupt. I lost everything.
From my experience I now know that when an abusive relationship starts it will not end until the two partners separate. I also know that you cannot take the blame for someone else's actions and you cannot buy them happiness. It has been a very hard lesson for me.
I am just hoping that I will get a chance of happiness with someone else but if that does not happen then I am happy on my own.
Name supplied, London
Date: 21st December, 2000
| MY EXPERIENCE AS A MARRIED WOMAN IN A GAY RELATIONSHIP
|
BACK
TO TOP |
-
I had been married for 10 years when my husband had an affair. Although he left home at the time I was worried about how I would support the children and give them the lifestyle that my husband provided for us. I took him back but I have never really trusted him since. I had a couple of "Almost" relationships but never went through with them. Six years after my husband's affair I met a woman and we became very good friends. I could tell her all the things I had never been able to tell anyone else.
One night after we had known each other for about 9 months we had been out for the evening and had had quite a lot to drink. We were alone and I asked her to kiss me. I don't know what made me do it. We ended up in bed together and the next day I could not talk to her. She rang me and although I wouldn't talk about what had happened we were still able to talk. She rang me every day to check that I was OK. We arranged to meet again after a couple of weeks when I had come to terms with my feelings. When we met I realised that I was in love with her. We started a relationship which lasted 2 years. In the end I was afraid that my husband would find out and get custody of our children so I ended the affair.
I regret ending the affair as I have lost my best friend as well as my lover. She made me feels things that I never believed I would feel. We could look at each other from opposite sides of a room and my stomach did somersaults and I know she felt the same. The feelings we had for each other were so intense. I felt happy whenever we were together and like part of me was missing when we were apart. I was 43 and she was 44 when it started.
Name: Alex, Swindon
Date: 21st August, 2000
-
Looking back it all falls into place now, trying to impress the PE Teacher, having very close friendships with females and feeling threatened when they would meet a new boyfriend, even fantasising about what it would be like to kiss or hold some of them which, of cause I told no one.
I did marry for all the right reasons, I had a very good relationship with my husband we were good friends as well as lovers. It did help that his job took him away a lot as I was always free to see my friends and go out when ever I wanted, I also didn't have the chance to get bored with him.
I was in the second year of my marriage when I began to form a friendship with someone at work who was gay herself. As our friendship grew my fantasises grew seeming to fill my head more and more and I began to realise I had more than friendship feelings for her. Over a number of weeks even months we grew closer and closer to a point that I knew I had do something about the way I felt (I was hoping she felt the same). It sounds awful but I didn't want to go through life never knowing what it felt like to be with a woman I just had to know.
We finally told each other how we both felt and decided to do something about it. I hadn't prepared myself for how good it would feel and all the emotion that came along with it. It felt so right that I was never going to be able to go back to the life I had and unfortunately people did get very hurt.
Although it felt so right to me I never ever thought that I was gay, I didn't fit into what I thought a Lesbian or Dyke should look and act like. They all had cropped hair, wore dungarees, hated men, campaigned a lot, and were vegetarians. It took a long time for me to realise there are a lot of us out there just like me and many having been through similar situations to myself. Some do like to look butch some like to look femme and some like me are just your average women. I have now come to terms with who I am, and basically I'm ME first, people like me, or hate me for being me not because I happen to be sharing my life with a women.
I like to look good, I wear skirts or dresses sometimes, trousers others and I don't like going out without make-up. I like nights in and nights out. I still have the same friends I had before I came out and many more since, but I don't have to fantasise or keep it to myself anymore I've now got what I need.
Name: My Life, Essex
Date: 19th September, 2001
-
I lived a lie for years,I knew that i was a lesbian as far back as eleven,I was attracted to other women.But I pushed my feelings back.I grew up and got married,stayed that way for twenty odd years,my husband died and I am now on my own,I am going to go out and mix with other like minded women,It is about time that I put me first,I mean it is my life,so why should i pretend to be straight to please other people?
Name: My Life 2, Essex
Date: 5th August, 2002
I came to this site last week,I wrote about my secret life as a in the closet lesbian.
I felt safe,as i knew that i was proberly among other women who knew what i was on about. but again i was ok, because nobody could see me, Then one person did see me, and
because I was silly, and too sensitive, I told her that she had wasted her time in seeing me,
as i was going to scuttle back into my closet, and act like nothing had happened. Make out that i am not a lesbian, but straight. A man loving woman ,but all this has done is make me unhappy. As I know and the person knows that I am infact a lesbian. The point of all of this is, that today I made history for me at least. I told my sister that I am completely, one hundred% lesbian, and if she did not like it well tough. She did not like it, and I have been told to keep away from her. Thing is that I am glad that I came clean as if I cannot be true to myself, want chance do I have. I hope this does not put anybody off coming out. This is what happened to me, does not mean it will happen to you too. I am glad that I took this step, all down to a certain lady that made this happen, she knows who she is, i do not have to say. I will be going to my local lesbian meet point now. Life will be good as i will live it my way No more hiding in the closet, this is my life and i will live it as i want.
Thank you for reading this.
Name: My Life 2, Essex - Episode 2
Date: 19th August, 2002
I thought that you might want to know that,I have asked Jean to take a blessing with me and be
my partner for the rest of our lifes. i am happy to tell you has said yes. We decided to have a
two week break away from each other to see if what we were feeling is for real. We only managed
four days,and ended with me ringing her and asking her to come home. Then i found the message
that she had left on my phone,saying the same to me. So that clinched it, she is my world my
every breath ,i am very much in love with her. She is with me too ,so you see it has worked out
for me. The other women at our local group were over the moon for us too they say that we are
made for each other,
Name: My Life 2, Essex - Episode 3
Date: 18th October, 2002
Response I have been gay since I was 18 and had avoided telling the family for years.
When I eventually had the courage (aged 43) my aunt just said 'your grandmother knew'. My
grandmother died when I was 26!! She was very straight-laced but loved me till the end and never
changed how she reacted to me. The family had known for years and it hadn't been a problem for
them. Families do get over the shock. They occasionally suggest the doctor or therapy but then
settle down and you are one of the family again.
Date: 20th August, 2002
Do you have any experience in
Coming out
Lesbian advice
Abusive lesbian relationships
Lesbian affairs with married women
Women coming out
Married women coming out
Click here to let us have your experience
|
| |
|